if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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