Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
