woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
