Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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