I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
