textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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