the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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