I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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