I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
