So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
