Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
