you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
