after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
