Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This show inspires me to have sex in space
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
