It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize