i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm really busy with my period
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