between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
