I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize