this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
