I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
