Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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