Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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