He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
