At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
