Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My breasts were aching with rage.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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