Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
