Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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