even my farts smell like vagina
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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