yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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