if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize