So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
