Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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