Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
