I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize