2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
