every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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