i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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