I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
