just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
