just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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