I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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