What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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