I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
