Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
