I can tuck mytits in my pants
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Randomize
