i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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