do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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