I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
