Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
