and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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