its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
