Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This baby is an asshole
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
