no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
