tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
