On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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