I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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