On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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