I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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