im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
