he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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