so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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