Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize