paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
