my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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