Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i have two assholes
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
