The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize