I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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