Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
